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Hello everyone, welcome to America Under the Microscope advanced episode. Hi, Lulu.

Hi James.

So let's continue our talk about American weddings.

Great. It's a fun topic. Last time we focused on the parties, you know, all the ceremonies and the nice things. Let's talk about stress. It is a stressful situation and it's a happy occasion, but for a lot of people this would be a very very stressful situation especially for the bride.

Yes, or what we would like to call Bridezilla.

Bridezilla, so it's bride and Godzilla. It turned into monsters.

So because some people take their weddings very seriously. They want everything to be perfect and so some people, if there's one small thing that doesn't go their way, they might just completely freak out as, oh my god this flower is the wrong color; I can't get this cake or it's just some people just not handling the pressure very well.

There are TV shows that specifically show this Bridezilla.

Yes, there are...

Reality TV show?

More reality TV shows. And so for these people it's probably best to get a planner. We have them, they're not cheap.

They're quite expensive, aren't they? But they do take care of everything.

They will handle it. I mean they'll run things past you, you know, so they don't plan something that you'll hate, but they'll be the ones who call the flower people, the photographer and all those people to be there.

Coordinate everything.

Yes.

But unfortunately based on my experience with people, I've seen some of my friends going through that and I think, if you're a Bridezilla, if you are someone who gets stressed out, hiring a planner is not going to make the situation any better because then you get stressed out with the planner. You're thinking oh you're not doing exactly as I wanted it.

Yeah, and I think people need to, you know, relax, you know, be flexible. Nothing is ever perfect.

You need to plan a lot of those things way way ahead, for example, venue. I'm assuming it's the same in United States like the popular venues, they go very quickly. So if you plan to get married in some of the better venues, more popular venues, you have to book it half...

A year in advance.

A year?

A year yes. And even some churches like, if you're a member of a certain church, in this church like they might have multiple choices in city like they have a really gorgeous architecture, even just booking the wedding ceremony itself can be a pain because there's just so many people who want to use the venue, it's just insane.

Last time you said that you usually, most of the churches require one of the couples, what, like either bride or groom to be a member, do they get a discount or something in terms of any...? So it's just entry requirement.

Um.

OK. One of the other reasons weddings are so stressful in any countries because it's very costly.

Yeah, I would say it's unnecessarily costly because a lot of people are paying for things that they want, not necessarily what they need or they put importance or value on something that aren't really that important like whether the flowers are perfect or whether the dresses are perfect, when it should be a celebration of love and family.

Yeah. Exactly. I think all these preparation work, all the stress that can really suck you in and then you have tunnel vision. You can only focus on certain things, the details and then you think if one detail doesn't go as planned, if one detail is not gorgeous, is not perfect, then that's it, everything's ruined. So it becomes... the cost does balloon up.

That's why you need to go to Las Vegas.

What? To elope?

Exactly.

How is that? I mean I'm sure the TV and movies have some truth to it. Can you really just elope to Las Vegas, the couple, and then just without any planning and just say we wanna get married tonight right here and then someone will officiate for it.

I'm not entirely sure if you can do like right then in there. But in Nevada the processing time is a very short period. So you can get married very quickly and you have these what we call wedding chapels who will do these expedited weddings with an official and they'll even lend you a witness to sign the paperwork.

To lend you a witness who doesn't know you obviously.

And then yeah you can get married without all the fuss and it's actually cheaper.

Well I'm sure it's cheaper. But then I thought the whole point of holding wedding is not really necessarily for the couple, is more for both families. Is there also a thing about the face value because obviously in China, you do think about all having a great a really grand wedding ceremony is also about face thing?

Oh yes absolutely, I mean big wedding you know, paying for all these expensive things, it just shows like oh look at me, I'm successful.

Some people ended up paying back the debt years after the wedding.

And the marriage last five years.

So actually back to a more practical note, I'm not sure a lot of you would actually have a wedding ceremony in United States, get married in United States. But sometimes if you work in United States or you are traveling there, maybe you have friends who are getting married there and then you get invited. So if that's the case, then what do we do? For example, do you bring gifts? So you give money, 红包?

Let me go through that. So if you get invited, it's very important that you let them know that you are or are not coming first.

Oh you have to reply, RSVP.

After RSVP, you can't just show up out of the blue, they won't let you in. If you reply yes, then you need to go on to their registry website and buy them a gift and what this is is the bride and groom will go to a department store and they will choose out these items in the department store that they want. And then the department store will make a shopping list and put it on the Internet and the guests can go online and then they can check what they want.

They can subscribe to certain things.

And then they can buy it. Or you can see what they want and go buy it on Amazon for a lot less. Sometimes people buy the same gifts.

So basically it's not okay to give money, cash?

Culturally no. We think of it is an unthoughtful thing, a lot of Americans. But this is starting to change. I know some who actually says no, we want cash, give us money, don’t buy us things.

So as long as they specifically tell you to, you know, basically we appreciate cash, and you can give cash.

But if they say if they want you to buy a gift, then you need to buy them a gift and you need to buy them something from the registry. You don't want to just buy them random things.

But obviously you don't have the red packets like we do. How do you give cash? Do you send a card?

At the wedding, you probably put it in a, like a congratulations card. Like we have wedding cards. You put the money in the card and seal it in an envelope and put it on the gift table.

I see. Is there someone manning the gift table?

Oh yes.

Usually a family member.

Somebody is there. They are also important is usually when you get the invitation, the invitation will have instructions about dress code. You need to follow that dress code that they state. So if it's, if they say this is a, a formal affair, then you need to make sure that you're dressed in a suit or a woman needs to be dressed in an evening dress.

Otherwise you wouldn't be let in?

Yes you wouldn’t be let in. But some people do unique themes to their wedding. So there might be like if it's a Hawaiian theme, then in this case then you could show up in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. You just need to pay attention to what the theme of the wedding is. They will tell you what they want you to wear.

They always will tell you on the invitation, isn't it?

When in doubt, always be dressed nicer than you think.

Always overdressed rather than under-dressed.

It's better to be overdressed than underdressed.

And do you actually get to talk to the couple yourself? Like do you actually send them your greetings personally?

Uh yeah, there's a time during the reception, we are, they'll be sitting at their table and people will go up to them and you know, give congratulations and their wishes. They will say things like, uh there's such a beautiful wedding, you look so happy together. You look beautiful today and things like this. But this won't be, you won't talk to them very long because for the most part, they're gonna be busy because they'll be you plus a hundred and fifty other people who wanna talk to them.

Yeah, of course.

And then it's up to you to be social yourself because you need to interact with the other guests at the wedding. So you can have a drink, talk with them, dance.

Usually the seats are set, right? You have like a seating plan and you will see on the seating plan where you're seated.

Yeah that’s for the dinner table. After you're done eating dinner and it's moving to dancing. Then it becomes a lot less strict. You can sit you know where you want.

You can move around. So then it becomes like a normal party, you can mingle. You can do things. This is one thing though, if you're just going there because you're a colleague or just like a for example a friend but not very very close friend. When is it socially acceptable to leave? Because as you're telling us, these weddings especially the parties they go on for very very long.

Oh, there's a few acceptable times. Usually after the dances, like the dancing, the bouquet-throw and all that stuff. You are free to leave at this point because there's nothing else to the party other than just partying.

OK.

Also if the bride and groom leave because they'll actually leave before everyone else because they're supposed to go on their honeymoon. But the reality is they're just exhausted, they want to go to sleep. At this point, you're also free to leave. If you need to leave earlier, then you should go up and say I'm sorry, but I have to leave, I had a great time. And it's socially acceptable to leave at this point.

Okay. So you know what to do if you ever get invited to a wedding in United States. Okay. So thank you James for telling us all of these cultural bits, and can't wait for the next episode. If you have ever been to a wedding in other cultures, let us know what are some of the interesting cultural traits and customs, and will be waiting for comments in the comment section.

Bye everybody.

Bye.